“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Netflix and you sit over there.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.