When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Just had my nails done!
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.