I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
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Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
calling in to work dehydrated
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.