*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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My neck my back my allergy attack
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
The honesty is refreshing
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space