I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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Me, reading some of your tweets
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”