DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.