Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
You Might Also Like
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
so, is there a mister shapen head
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.