My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I have a type: disappointing
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.