bout dat hot dog summer
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After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
doing some research
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?