Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I am also baked goods
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.