dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*