The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.