The “research” scene in every horror movie
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[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.