Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Said the murderer.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”