*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood