“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The biggest mystery of our time
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Have a lovely day 😊
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.