When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My favorite animal is fried chicken.