Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
You Might Also Like
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Barbie gone wild
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese