How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
This meal prepping shit is easy
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering