I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
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*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Seals are just dog mermaids.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid