“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Help Wanted
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.