Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If you know, you know
How animals would run if they were human
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer