Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Happy Taco Tuesday
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
me irl
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.