Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
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I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
One venti cheeseburger please.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Mountain Goat : )
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Thrilling chase underway
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.