Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
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6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣