me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
spicy snake
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
sigh
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.