What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
the dark web is just a goth google.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.