MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
A Match(.com), but for socks.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”