Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me sliding into hell like