It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
San Francisco has too many rules
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.