This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”