[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Happens to everyone.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
at ease…shoulder.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.