Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
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damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
mood