Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome