accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.