Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*lint rolls you awake*
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES