I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
You Might Also Like
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
lol
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s