Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
The French word for sex is croissant.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.