Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.