2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.