Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
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[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Had an epiphany today.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I camp so other people don’t have to.