When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .