I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
You Might Also Like
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.