Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom