Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
WHY?!
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.