Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow