Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
do horses think humans are hats
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing