Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed