riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended