Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda